Thoughts: having a river of thoughts

*This is pretty open and transparent. This is how I process things internally. I don't need to be fixed or helped. I am just thinking out loud. If these things really bother me, I have friends who I can talk to about this. If you want to say something, by all means you can say something. But I may be quiet about it.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot and its funny because I recently posted my favorite Bible verse (Philippians 4:4-9). But I'll say that this thinking isn't "bad" thinking, but constructed thinking.  I've been having time to think a lot since I'm not busy talking or being with people. To be honest its quiet refreshing that I don't have to talk.  I know... "You are BJ, you always talk".  That is very true, but I am also an introvert. So even though I'm not talking aloud, I'm talking a lot internally to myself.  Which is fine with me because I don't always have to talk out loud, like so.

So what have I been thinking about.  There are a couple things that have been taking up my thoughts. I'll make a short list about them.

1. Singleness - I've been fighting these thoughts a lot lately. I just really find Japanese women to be really attractive and it is hard to not want a Japanese girlfriend. But at this time, I don't think I should get one.  Not because of any other reason other than learning Japanese. Especially for the first three months. If something happens then it happens, but other than that I've been busy so. Hopefully if something happens, I'll be distracted at that point that it'll be a delightful surprise.

2. Ego and pride - These two things are something I've been struggling with for today and yesterday... I have been going to classes for TWO DAYS and I'm already fighting my own ego and pride.  For some reason I feel like my Japanese is good.  My comfort with Japan is there, but I am not that good at Japanese.  Not at the level I need to be to live or be a part of Japan.  Especially if I want a job.  But for some weird reason it bothers me that I'm not good enough. Also I've been struggling with feeling left out. When I go places with my uncle to register for city hall residence and getting my credit card.  They talk to him and don't really make much looks or conversation with me. But why would they? I DON'T SPEAK FLUENT JAPANESE! There are times I shake at myself for some weird reasons that I am.

So I just have to remind myself, breath, and remember that God is placing me here for a reason and that this isn't going to be all rainbows and sunshine.  This is reality and reality doesn't make things easy because if things were easy. I be obese, constantly playing video games, and taking people for granted.  So I gotta count my blessing and just relax.  Thank God for ofuro (Japanese bath) and hopefully I'll go to an onsen with a friend. Also walking, I've been walking roughly 3 to 4 miles a day.  So gives me time to think.

3. Church stuff - I think I've become a bit paranoid and picky when it comes to the corporate church. I have been apprehensive about joining a church and community group.  The main reason is that I just don't want to perpetuate things that are being done in Japan that aren't reaching the Japanese people. I really want to be able to help the church in Japan rather than do things that I've been told that are good.  I don't know and I want to know. I would like to feel the pulse of Japan, I would like to experience what the Japanese people experience (the good and bad), and I want to be able to hear what the Japanese people want.  But I'm scared of so many things that I don't know or things that I don't understand. I'm scared I'm going to function out of my own comfort when I want to function in a way that is genuine and open.  This song has been bothering me lately. Because how many people have I met that would feel me caring for them rather than judging and making myself feel better. I'm still stuck and I'm still trying to figure this out. *end list*

I'll leave with one more thing. Part of the reason why I want to come back to Japan was because I believe my faith started in Japan through my great grandfather, my grandfather, and passed to me from my mother. I admired my grandfather for what I can remember, but lately I've been hearing of how he wasn't perfect. These are not earth shattering things, but makes me realize to the reality of this world. That the decisions we make can affect us and others around us. Especially people closer to us who can live with these things when we leave this earth. I still love my grandfather, but I need to keep asking myself how I am loving God, myself, and other people. Not in a way that makes me look good, but makes God look good because that is how much he means to me. Without stepping on people, my own family (future), my biological family, my community family, friends, and so forth and so on. Will I create a neon cathedral (the song above) or will I make a legacy that praises and loves God the way that I do.