Failure is an option and it's a good thing

Most of my youth I have always felt that I was a failure. I wasn't motivated enough to do things right, I wasn't good enough at school and test, and all I like doing is things that make me happy. This was something I've always dealt with and is something that will probably follow me for the rest of my life.

The main reason I felt like a failure was because I was comparing myself to everyone around me. Having friends, classmates, and sibling who were able to advance and do things that I couldn't do. That they achieved things in their own life that I wished I could of. To be able and capable of wanting to be better just like everyone else. Yet I was never able to achieve that. I was forever accepting my faith as a Medieval youngest brother who was destined to be a monk. Because of that I hated myself. I hated everything about me because I felt I could never achieve much. Because I constantly felt that I had failed.

But honestly, I was a failure. I failed to understand that I wasn't other people. I failed to understand that I myself am unique and have different qualities that other don't have. I failed to appreciate me. As I get older, I'm learning to appreciate who I am becoming. To refine the good and bad things in my life that I have been blessed with. These are things that not many people think about, but I'm glad I'm a failure. Because I want other people know that, it is ok to fail. It is ok to not have all the answers, to have to fit a certain stereotype, and above all be what others want you, but that you don't want for yourself.

I have always wanted to fit in, I desperately wanted to be accepted and loved. I wanted to be appreciated and to be needed. I think that is what I desire most in a relationship, to genuinely be wanted. I still struggle with that concept. There are times where I feel accepted, to be invited, to be allowed, or to exist. But to really be wanted is something that has been hard to find and those who have expressed that are eternally ingrained into my mind and heart.

For me to be wanted isn't something simple. I relate to God easily in the sense of I make friends quiet easily, but I'm not very trusting at the same time. I'll give you respect and openness, but if it is broken. You are going to feel like Sisyphus because it isn't easy getting back into grace with me. Ultimately what I desperately want is to be myself with you or with others. Part of wanting me is willing to be ok with me. To be ok with what I bring and what I'm about. That is what I desperately desire.

But that hasn't happened yet and I find myself struggling with this failure, for now. The reason the title is "Failure is an option and it's a good thing" is because God uses me. My biggest motivation is my faith. It isn't something that most people understand or grasp with me. God drives me to do many things. It challenges me to care and love people that I may not have considered. It drives me to care and keep in contact with those that wouldn't. Because God loves me, God wants me, and God uses me. It sounds weird to say that I wanted to be used by God and it can easily be used inappropriately. (That is something I had to get over, lowbrow).  I'm in Japan because he wants me here. It isn't to convert crazy amount of people, it isn't changing people's lifestyles and breaking culture, and it isn't about making people like me. What I've come to find is that I'm learning to be ok under my own skin. I want you to feel the same way. I find it through my faith and I'll share that, but I want you to find yours as well.

My failures have shaped and made into the person that I am now. Not because I'm the hulk where you make me angry, I'll get stronger. But that I've learned from my mistakes. I admit that I've messed up as a friend, family, and leader. Yet there is a deep sense of purpose for me to be here in Japan. I don't have the full answer, but I'm excited to see what happens.

I may fail at my school (I'm still bad at academics) and I may come back to the states because of it. But until that happens, instead of dreading it and skirting away from it, just be happy that God wants me. That he want to use me. That I have a purpose in this life. It's a crutch, but I'd prefer a crutch that I feel won't break under me. Otherwise there really is no other reason to keep going forward. Fortunately I've been blessed with many friends, family, and community that has helped understand myself better.