Here are some concepts that I've thought of recently or in the past. If I see a couple on the streets, I've been known to think this: "He/she seems too cute for him/her, how did that happen?" "I know the answer, but I'll let someone else answer it, because I'm nice." "Man, I could do better than that, but I'll let them learn from their mistake so then they'll learn or I can teach them." Some of these things don't sound as bad, but they are pretty bad. There is fairly obvious pride spewing out of my thoughts and then there are subtle ones that just come out, but I try to justify them as white lies or something not so big.
When it comes to me, then it gets worse. Because sometimes its self deprecating because of a lack of self worth or it's just unfiltered and it's ugly. There are more times of complaining or "I could do it better" mentality. The worst lately is, "I know what I'm doing, you don't need to teach me". This is coming from a STUDENT who is living in a NEW country and acting like I KNOW everything. When in reality, I don't. Lately having these moments to walk with music or without interaction has helped me start looking deeper into myself and start really seeing who I am as a broken, forgiven, and in dire need of more forgiveness.
I've been reading scripture lately, trying to be a "good Christian" and just have been scanning through Paul's letter to the Philippians chapter 2 verse 12-17.
Philippians 2:12-17
Do Everything Without Grumbling
12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.
14 Do everything without grumbling or arguing, 15 so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”[c] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky 16 as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. 17 But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. 18 So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.
What I'm getting from this reading is this. Let the joy of God and life fill you. Let it make you become gentle and peaceful with things. So that others will know that. It isn't saying you need to feel satisfied with everything, but really understand that God is taking care of you. It isn't about whether you have everything you want. But what I also realize is that I have come from a warped and crooked generation and I'm not wholly free from it. I'm still stuck in the mentally of wanting to get everything I want and being satisfied in my own way.Fortunately I'm realizing how blessed I am and how much I am loved.
List of why I should be happy instead of comparing and wanting more:
- I'm staying at my Aunt's house for free.
- They helped me get a cellphone.
- They helped me get a bank account and debit/atm card.
- They feed me.
- They give me bentos for lunch at school.
- They helped me get a monthly train pass to save money on the train.
- They do my laundry
- They talk to me and try to help me with my Japanese
- They offer me rides if I ask
- They offer to take me to Costco if I want to buy something
- I have my own room with air conditioning and a heater
- I have free internet
This is the blessing of what my Aunt and her family is giving me. This isn't counting the other blessing I've received from other people. Yet, I still want more. I still want things to be done in a certain way. I still want to do things MY way. I finally understand why I need forgiveness because there are times where enough to me really isn't enough.
There are times I just need to breath. Let God soak his love into me, his blessings into me, his grace into my life. So that I can do likewise to others
No comments:
Post a Comment