Do I Care Too Much?

I was messaging a friend about something that has happened recently. Asking me if I knew about some information that was released publicly and I confirmed it. Later on through the conversation he made a comment that stuck with me. "But just more concerned about you taking on other emotions like guilt for not being able to do anything and such." Today another friend made a comment to me, "We all appreciate you being a good friend but don't wear yourself out." These two comments are not bad, they are being good friends and making sure I'm in a good place. But I'm not in a good place.

A huge part of who I am is that I care for other people. Because I live under what Christ called us to do. "Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 23:37-39). The reason I care is because I want people to care for me in a similar way. There are people who I view in life and I see them loving back in their own way. I appreciate and receive it with a grateful heart. That is a major reason why I care.

But I'm hurting and what hurts is that fact that my family is hurting. Family isn't a term only being directly related by blood, but a relationship build over time of investment. People who pour their hearts, who open their arms in welcome, and receive me with my good and bad. They are able to talk to me and be able to challenge me, correct me if and when I'm wrong. I'm hurting because I can't be there for them. Because when I'm hurting, I would want people to be there for me. To just hold me and just support me. That what I want to do. I don't want them to make their situation better. I'm not their to fix their problem or make them happier. I want them to know that God loves them. I love them. It hurts that I can't.

But God has been comforting me in my pain. Working on my heart and calming to a place to trust him. A dear friend challenged me with this. "I know it's difficult some times, but strive for contentment for each day, for 'this is the day that the Lord hath made'. It always helps me to review Romans 8:35-39. Hang in there." Of all people, he is more at loss than I am. He is closer to the situation than I am. I don't feel I should be feeling this close or this hurt, but here I am. Mentally and emotionally moved to the point that I'm physically affected. Yet, God is comforting me and helping me sort through my frustrations. I had a couple other friend encourage me as the night went forward. Before I went to bed, I read Psalm 130.

Psalm 130 A song of ascents.

1 Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;
2     Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
    to my cry for mercy.

3 If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,
    Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness,
    so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

5 I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
    and in his word I put my hope.
6 I wait for the Lord
    more than watchmen wait for the morning,
    more than watchmen wait for the morning.

7 Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
    for with the Lord is unfailing love
    and with him is full redemption.
8 

He himself will redeem Israel    from all their sins.

I am putting my hope in the Lord. I am waiting for the Lord. Waiting more than watchmen wait for the morning. I'm  yearning to allow God to speak to me and he is. I mourn for the loss, I grieve over the pain of others, and I hurt because they mean so much to me. God has placed people in my life that have been there with me through rough patches in life. I want to be able to give back to those that gave to me. It's not me giving or earning anything. But being able to offer what God has given abundantly. I want to love his people because he loved me first. I genuinely want to love God first. So I want to love others. So I do care... maybe too much, but God cares more. So I trust him when he calls me to love. God gave me Jesus, what more could I ask for? He came down to earth. Suffered the way we do. Died for my sins, our sins. He seemed to care too much. I'm not God or Jesus, but I want to care as best as I can.

Hillsong United - Oceans (Where My Feet May Fail)
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior"

Silence, my bout of silence and where do I go after this?

There is a reason there hasn't been a post... It was because I have been wrestling with myself through my thoughts. I didn't want to make it public because it wasn't resolved and it pretty much preoccupied my mind for the last 4 months. It was deeply personal and was over spilling into other areas of my life. Lack of sleep and just a lot of frustration didn't help. Also in the end, I was just arguing with myself and wasn't able to hear the advice my friends were telling me while I was dealing with the issue.

This post isn't about the issue I had with someone. This post is to address my own problems that I wasn't able to understand up until now. I have and will always be afraid of being rejected. I will try my best to please and appease people to not be rejected. But what I come to realize is that I will be and have been rejected.

I have reflected that part of it stems from being the youngest in my family, but it isn't that simple (probably a ton of other experiences even later in life). Being the youngest, I always looked up to my older siblings. I want to be like them, I wanted to be liked by them, and ultimately be loved and accepted by them. But being the youngest in an individualistic family doesn't foster that kind of relationship. This isn't criticism, but just factual. We function quite independently and are capable of doing things the way we want to. We don't rely on each other and we don't necessarily need each other's approval. We do our own thing in our own way and we live life independent of each other. I think a lot of people struggle with these issues with their own form. This is how I grew up with it.

For me, I don't really function that way. Part of me can, because that is the environment I grew up in, but I don't like being left behind. I don't like being left out. I don't like feeling like I'm not wanted. My fear is that I have no purpose in life. My fear is that I have nothing to offer in life. My fear is that I'm wasting life and that someone else should have my life because I'm not using it well enough. There was a time in middle school to high school were I suffered with depression. Then again, I've struggled with depression in college in well (for different reason). My depression stemmed from just feeling like I'm a waste of life. I prayed that God would give me purpose or take me away (IE kill me). In my youth I interpreted certain actions as rejections. I wasn't willing and able to voice my fear. I was stuck and left in my own mind to suffer in silence (you can see this is kind of a recurring thing). I still struggle with these thoughts. I strive to make people happy around me because it will validate my existence. I try to give gifts as much as I can in hopes that people accept me for who I am. I help carry and lift things for others, because I feel like I'm contributing for something. All these things that are good for other people are with the intent that it will be good for me. But it is still out of fear.

As much as I understand how I operate and am trying to deconstruct my fear, I'm also embracing who I have become. I like helping people, I like being dependable, and I like being someone who they can trust. Because I want all these things done back to me. The main reason I do youth ministry was because don't want youth to suffer the way I did: how I suffered in silence, how I was unable to express the pain I was putting on myself through, and how I had no idea where to go from it. The only constant that has maintained me was God. Using people who put in my life, the encouragement of strangers at camps who made an effort to touch my life (even if only for a week) was enough to keep me going forward. Life isn't going to be easy, life won't give me everything I want, but I'm still. I love my family and they love me. I have friends who want me be my friends and don't expect anything from me except to just be me. I don't want to live in fear, I don't want to be in darkness, and I want to be free. For me in faith, I need to reveal my own faults because it makes me process and understand myself. This verse seems to speak volumes to what I have been going through.

Ephesians(NIV)5 

8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light9 (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10 and find out what pleases the Lord. 11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness,but rather expose them. 12 It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13 But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. 14 This is why it is said:

“Wake up, sleeper,    rise from the dead,
    and Christ will shine on you.”

15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord,20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Part of me wanted to going back to the US was to get closer. But also to move on and away from this sin. I give because I'm blessed by God. I love because God loves me. I care because others have cared for me. I live because Christ died for me. I have hope because the Spirit lives in me. I'm not perfect, I'm broken, but I'm trying. That is all I have left.

10 Things People (in the church) Hate To Admit Publicly

There are always two sides of each coin. I want to express that the church as a whole hurts and my hope is to reconcile people within the church to work together than against. Instead of pointing fingers at each other, how about pointing upwards and figuring out how to improve these things.

This is an article I read on a friend's post on FB. I read it (please read it to understand what I'm posting) and I really couldn't sympathize for him. I wish I could, but to me I couldn't stomach it. I was going to write a long comment, but realized there were so many thoughts that I just make a post about it. I disagree because it pulls away from God and pulls towards ourselves. This is also a viewpoint of a layperson who is just as invested in the church as a pastor. I'm not going to bible thump, because this is about the experience we have with people and each other. If scripture is used, it'll be a wall that disconnects us from each other. If you want to know where scripture has shaped my thought, I'll send it to you if you ask.

#1. We Take It Personally When You Leave The Church.

Laypeople also take it personally when we pour everything into the church; but don't feel appreciated by the pastoral staff or the elders. As much as I love my church, I would really appreciate the affirmation that they are claiming to want as well. When people leave the church, especially those who invested heavily in their church, they are leaving because they are hurting. They don't belong and feel that they aren't important to the church. So in the end, everyone takes it personally when we leave the church, they leave with a broken heart.

Sidenote: statistics of youth pastor drop out rates.

#2. We Feel Pressure To Perform Week After Week.

I felt the pressure of performing at youth group because of the legality and the responsibility that was expected of me when I served. Anytime we didn't clean up, someone would complain. Yet, no one really had to clean up the way the youth ministry had to clean up. I understand we are messy, but at the same time, there were so many times it was expected of us to prepare the room for other ministries when this never happened to us.

On a personal note: when our ministry was going through transition there was a heavy burden to maintain the status quo. Especially when there was a new director that was getting their feet wet in the ministry. It was expected of the veteran advisors (I'm not speaking on their behalf this is my own opinion) that we are strong enough spiritually to carry it. I still feel betrayed and hurt by this. In one had, my faith was being challenged that if I'm not faithful then our ministry would worsen. I left for personal reason, but I felt like I had abandoned my fellow brothers and sisters in faith. I honestly haven't gotten over it and its something that I've learning to understand. In the end, my faith in Christ won't make things happen unless that is the will God. I can't keep something the same unless the exact same energy is being put back to sustain it. 

#3. We Struggle With Getting Our Worth From Ministry.

I learned a early lesson in ministry, "that it isn't about me". It's about Jesus, because he saved me. I wasn't made for ministry and I was really bad at it. I can play with kids, but being a big brother and teacher are both things I had to grow in over time, with Christ. Our faith in Christ shapes how we see ministry, how we do ministry, and how we live ministry. I want to say it's separate, but ministry is everywhere. Does that mean I evangelize all the time, yes . My love for people is from God and not myself. Knowing my self worth in Christ isn't from others is very important. Because if you don't love yourself in a healthy manner, then how can you really administer love to others? How do you love someone else if you aren't able to show love to yourself. I'm constantly growing in understanding what that looks like in my life and I doubt I'll ever grasp the full extent of it. My worth isn't from ministry, it's from Christ.

#4. We Regularly Think About Quitting.

I have probably left ministry twice, well three times to be honest. The first time I left was because I wasn't mature enough to be a leader and I shouldn't had been a leader. I was lying to God, myself, and to others. The second time I left, was because I was going to Bible college and working full time. I'm not an academic person, it drove me crazy trying to do it. God wanted me to focus on one thing and not split myself up. I didn't listen and I forced myself to leave. Going back to point #3 is this, ministry is God's gift for us to pursue. God can give and take it away without any hesitation. I find the join of God wanting to use me that fills me with joy. The third time is because I moved to Japan. I had to quit, because the calling of God is stronger than staying. So take that as you will. To assume that someone can't leave, quit, or resign is absurd. You are assuming people are beyond people and that they are able to overcome everything. God never said I can do that, God said that he could do that. That is a very clear distinction for me. Trying pulling Jeremiah 29:11 on me and I will open my theological education on you.

#5. We Say We Are Transparent – It’s Actually Opaque.

Transparency is such a weird word, because everyone uses it, but they don't understand it. God calls us to be transparent with Him, first and foremost. Then when we are transparent with other, it is suppose to be for the glory of God. What benefit is it for me to reveal my sins and broken to someone who won't understand or be able to help me with them? That is insane. Why would you tell your children at age 6 your biggest fears and problem you have in life, they aren't ready for that. Then why would you expect the a different outcome with people who don't know you well enough? The point about being honest and vulnerable is because you are in an environment to be that way. Otherwise you are opening yourself to be treated as a doormat. Christ told us to show people love by turning the cheek and walking an extra mile (heavy context must be understood of Christ's words). But that was because it was expected of them to do those things. They didn't have a choice. Transparency is a choice, use it for good and with respect.

#6. We Measure Ourselves By The Numbers.

Try youth ministry and tell me how great numbers turn out to be. I can't count how many people I've saved or helped in life. Because honestly, I haven't been told and I really don't know. There are close friends who I've helped or encouraged but in the end, I have no clue. This is coming from a person who spent almost 7 1/2 years into youth ministry through youth groups and camps.

#7 We Spend More Time Discouraged Than Encouraged

I had to go to my surrogate mother and father for advice and encouragement. Because there were so many times I was lost. There was so many times where I didn't know what I was doing. There would be times I would pray before meeting up with some of the students and question if I'm doing anything? Honestly, I didn't, because God does all the work. God asks me to give the best I can and he'll use it for his will and glory. Ultimately the students I have affected, wasn't just because of me, but really because what God is doing in their lives. I'm encouraged that it isn't on my shoulders to save people, that's God job. My job is to live, love, and be the best I can for how God is calling me in life. That is a life long journey that I have yet to understand. I can't spend time wondering if I'm doing good or not because I don't know.
Being a pastor like being a advisor for youth ministry is a pretty thankless job. I didn't get paid and I poured money into it. Does that make a sucker? Well for Christ, that's a pretty sweet deal.

#8. We Worry About What You Think.

I worry all the time and I think pastors get it worse. This is for people within the church:

YOUR PASTOR IS A PERSON AND HUMAN BEING! THEY AREN'T BETTER OR STRONGER IN FAITH THAN YOU! THEY WERE WILLING TO JUMP INTO THE DEEP THAT GOD CALLED THEM INTO! (I hate using caps, but I want to make a strong point).

Pastors are needed because they have the training to help teach scripture and help contextualize how the kingdom of Christ manifests itself into this world. Does that mean they know everything? No. Does that mean they are infallible and omniscient like God? No. Will anyone other that Christ be able to do that? No.

Then why are we expecting pastors to be God? They are men and women who are pointing to Christ; who is pointing to God. Do you understand that they are trying their best and if there is a problem. Be a mature person, talk it out and work out the differences. Is everything going to be agreed upon? No, reality doesn't work that way, you can't please everyone. So instead of trying to be right, ask yourself, "what would please God?" It'll change how you feel about certain topics.

#9. We Struggle With Competition And Jealousy.

This is a problem that everyone faces. Competition and jealousy can produce inept feeling of self worth and contempt for each other. There is no win situation. If you really want to compare and compete, do that with God. It'll help you realize that he is in control and question where your heart lies. 

I'm not going to lie, this probably hurts more for those who are in a small community churches. But come to Japan and visit our churches. That is something they deal with on heavier scale. Imaging a decent church being 30 people and also look at how expensive it is to have a church here. Perspective helps and God will sustain his churches because he can. He will has made a way for his church to thrive and survive. 

#10. We Feel Like We Failed You More Than We Helped You.

I will fail you, I will fail everyone, and I will fail myself. I'm a broken sinner and I'm not perfect. I'm not going to live under the dichotomy that because I'm a Christian I have to help. I help because I want to help, I help because God loves and helps me, and I help because I can't help myself in helping others. Take joy that we fail and that God doesn't call us failures. He has put his seal and approval on us. We can do good, but it's through Christ. Not me.

Anything you can do I can do better.

The phrase that has been bother me for a couple week is this: "I did it, so you should be able to do it." That blatant assumption to me, is a slap in the face. I understand when people say it to give perspective, but all it really shows is a "pissing contest". There is no prize and what is left is a mess to clean up.

This phrase bothers me, because I've been surrounded by people in the past who kept using this kind of phrase in my life. Here are a couple phrases that have been used to similar effects:

• Back in my day, I had to do X and X. It isn't that bad.
• God will use it for good.
• There is a purpose and meaning for everything, you just haven't seen it.
• Why don't you do it this way? It always works for me.
• You are making harder on yourself.
• I was able to do it, so can you.

All these kinds of phrases are meant to be sincere or helpful, but they do the opposite at times. I know I've used some of these phrases and I'm guilty of this as well. But as I grow older, "wiser" (not sure if I have wisdom), and gain perspective of how I and other's see the world we live in. I start seeing these phrases as a band-aid that don't really treat or deal with the real issue.

Most of the time, I don't want a band-aid. They are cheap, indispensable, and don't really take much to apply. If you really want to help someone by "treating" their wound, baggage, or problems that you have to clean, dress, and put actual effort into it then. I want someone to engage and talk with me. I don't want to feel guilty that you are a better person than me. I already don't believe myself to be good to begin with. If life, faith, and with family we shouldn't be going after each other on who is right or wrong, but really trying to help each other in a way we can understand each other. I don't want someone to "pray" for me to make me feel better, I want someone to grab me and say, "Hey, lets get together and talk". If there is a issue, lets talk it out. If there is a problem, LET ME KNOW. If there is something you want to talk about, don't be around the bush, please tell me.

As much as I want to be there for others and for people. I don't want to be paralyzed trying to figure out what others want. I don't want to make someone feel inept because I can do something they can't. Congratulation, you found God in the church and it only took you 10 years. Congratulation you graduate from college and got a job before you turned 25 years old. Congratulations, you can function with lack of sleep and do everything. These statements bother me, because they don't take effort to understand or care to listen to people. So what is the point of talking?

Luckily, with this rant, I'm reminded with this. God loves me, God loves you, and I'm not perfect either. There isn't a true answer to deal with these issues. The only way to really work through these things is really putting effort and energy into something. Nothing can be made to last without the effort being placed into it. Investing in people, community, and work takes time. Takes patients and take understanding. I feel that being a "late bloomer" is a label that I have lived with for awhile. 

Next time you are there for when someone is hurting, instead of fixing the problem. Sit with them, be comfortable in the pain they are in. Listen to what their heart is crying and try to understand from their perspective in order to be able to talk to them in where they are. Because instead of helping, you could push them over or just make them upset in life, the situation, or you. 

Sweet sweet motherland?

This thought has been bubbling in my head for awhile. I'm hesitant to say this, but this is how I honestly feel. "I feel like I'm a bastard." I know it's kind of a harsh language, but I don't have a better way of phrasing this. There are times in life where the brokenness, the ugly side of things, and above all the reality of this world reveals to me something with more depth.


The main reason that I feel like I'm a "bastard" is this. I have no strong ties to any one country growing up. If it were easy I would of been just Chinese/Japanese. But I'm Chinese/Japanese, with Thai influence because of my father, with a strong Japanese influence from my mother, and born and raised in the USA. There is no one strong identity, but multiple. Celebrating Christmas, New Years, Lunar New Years, Songkran, Easter, 4th of July, and Thanksgiving. All these holidays, all these intersections of culture and identity make it near impossible to really identify myself to anything. I know just being Asian American can be difficult, but for me I'm Asian and pretty much Asian. I'm not Japanese, I'm not Chinese, I'm not American. I'm this weird hybrid of cultures and ethnic identities that has no anchor or foundation in anything other than myself. In my youth, and even now, I've always tried to identity who I am, what I am, and how does that lived out?

I do wonder if Japan is in some way trying to find that. I wonder if the drive to be here is like a Salmon trying to swim back home. I really don't have an answer for that. Mostly because I'm not Japanese, I won't be Japanese, and I can't be Japanese. Because Japan won't ever receive me to be Japanese, but a foreigner who is Japanese-like. I mean it's the same feeling I had in the US. Where I was born and raised American, acted American, and spoke American English. Yet it wasn't enough, I was still "other". The question of, "so where are you really from?". Part of me didn't fully want to be American. I tried being a Christian in America and that was worse, because a part of me never felt like I could be me. I wasn't white enough, I wasn't Asian docile enough, and above all I wasn't like everyone else (both in act, thought, and appearance). This isn't bashing against an idea or culture, but it is something I've been dealing with. Something I've been unraveling in my own life and to be honest, it won't ever go away. For the rest of my life, I am a ethnic vagrant, a culture less hobo if that is a good metaphor.

I feel like a sheep in wolf's clothing and it was fairly obvious. Yet, I've thrived under these clothes and somehow have made friends with wolves. I've made friends from different cultures, background, and identities. The main reason that I did was because that is how I survived. There is really no other way around it. Navigating through the waters of people as we flow in and out of each other's lives. It's hard, it's tiring, and above all it won't stop.

As tiring and exhausting as it sounds, that is what life is made up to be. A constant struggle that we try to figure out life. Trying to find the easiest path, the simplest path, the path that gives me (and you) joy in life. I have learned to embrace my multiethnic cultures, my multiethnic friends, and my multiethnic self. If I can't, then maybe I'll just float downstream instead of upstream, it's tiring.

"Second star to the right, and straight on till morning"

This is scene resonates with me on many different levels.

I don't know what I will be like in five years. I don't know what I will be doing in five years. I DON'T KNOW!??!?! Yet there is a sense of peace and joy about it. I don't know. I don't want to know and I haven't really made a huge plan about knowing it.

I can't explain it, but in faith, life, and hopefully love. I have just followed the flow that my life has been placed on. I don't feel God is holding my hand every second and that I don't know what I'm doing. I'm learning to react to life. To understand, to appreciate, and to grow from each experience. I wish I was more organized. I wish my room was more organized. Yet the only real organized thing is iTunes on this laptop.

This post isn't me trying not to grow up. But I'm trying to learn what being grown up looks like to me. I'm not going to try to compare myself to other people, because it hasn't worked and I doubt it will work. To which I'm ok with it. Because it frees me from myself and from others. I don't know what opportunities will present themselves, I have no idea what relationships I will build, and above all I have no idea what kind of job I'll get.

If you can't tell most of these blogs are written in that fashion. This isn't academic paper, where I have a specific idea and I weave a story that gives you direct ideas. It just thought that Kriss Kross (wanna make you jump jump... RIP Chris) from my mind. That is how I operate and I can always do it another way, but this is my mind. This is my blog and this is how I'm revealing myself to you and even to me. I've tried to be more assertive, more directive, and more disciplined.  But it just doesn't work for me, I'm not saying that I've none of these. I just don't operate the same that other do. Yet, I have talents in certain areas that people can't replicate. So take it or leave it, I'm trying the best that works for me.

I've have spent that last three almost four years trying to please other people in my life. I've been trying to fit a mold that just won't work and I'm done with it. The realization that I may get really crummy test score are highly evident. Not for a lack of study, but for a lack of the mental fortitude to take test. Give me a verbal testing with pronunciation and conceptualization and I probably might be better than my class. Give me a kanji (Chinese character) test and spelling test which I'll probably get a C.  I'm just not that good and I have to be ok with it. Because the school isn't my hopes and dreams. My school is part of how I'm moving forward and how I'll be able to figure what I'm doing in Japan. It is one step of many that I need to find and take to grow up more.

Because in the end, there isn't much I can bring with me from death. My memories of friends and family, the ingrained interaction I've had with people, and the ones who genuinely know are the only things I can take with me. So come what may, but as long as I go to the "Second star to the right, and straight on till morning". I think I'll be ok.

Failure is an option and it's a good thing

Most of my youth I have always felt that I was a failure. I wasn't motivated enough to do things right, I wasn't good enough at school and test, and all I like doing is things that make me happy. This was something I've always dealt with and is something that will probably follow me for the rest of my life.

The main reason I felt like a failure was because I was comparing myself to everyone around me. Having friends, classmates, and sibling who were able to advance and do things that I couldn't do. That they achieved things in their own life that I wished I could of. To be able and capable of wanting to be better just like everyone else. Yet I was never able to achieve that. I was forever accepting my faith as a Medieval youngest brother who was destined to be a monk. Because of that I hated myself. I hated everything about me because I felt I could never achieve much. Because I constantly felt that I had failed.

But honestly, I was a failure. I failed to understand that I wasn't other people. I failed to understand that I myself am unique and have different qualities that other don't have. I failed to appreciate me. As I get older, I'm learning to appreciate who I am becoming. To refine the good and bad things in my life that I have been blessed with. These are things that not many people think about, but I'm glad I'm a failure. Because I want other people know that, it is ok to fail. It is ok to not have all the answers, to have to fit a certain stereotype, and above all be what others want you, but that you don't want for yourself.

I have always wanted to fit in, I desperately wanted to be accepted and loved. I wanted to be appreciated and to be needed. I think that is what I desire most in a relationship, to genuinely be wanted. I still struggle with that concept. There are times where I feel accepted, to be invited, to be allowed, or to exist. But to really be wanted is something that has been hard to find and those who have expressed that are eternally ingrained into my mind and heart.

For me to be wanted isn't something simple. I relate to God easily in the sense of I make friends quiet easily, but I'm not very trusting at the same time. I'll give you respect and openness, but if it is broken. You are going to feel like Sisyphus because it isn't easy getting back into grace with me. Ultimately what I desperately want is to be myself with you or with others. Part of wanting me is willing to be ok with me. To be ok with what I bring and what I'm about. That is what I desperately desire.

But that hasn't happened yet and I find myself struggling with this failure, for now. The reason the title is "Failure is an option and it's a good thing" is because God uses me. My biggest motivation is my faith. It isn't something that most people understand or grasp with me. God drives me to do many things. It challenges me to care and love people that I may not have considered. It drives me to care and keep in contact with those that wouldn't. Because God loves me, God wants me, and God uses me. It sounds weird to say that I wanted to be used by God and it can easily be used inappropriately. (That is something I had to get over, lowbrow).  I'm in Japan because he wants me here. It isn't to convert crazy amount of people, it isn't changing people's lifestyles and breaking culture, and it isn't about making people like me. What I've come to find is that I'm learning to be ok under my own skin. I want you to feel the same way. I find it through my faith and I'll share that, but I want you to find yours as well.

My failures have shaped and made into the person that I am now. Not because I'm the hulk where you make me angry, I'll get stronger. But that I've learned from my mistakes. I admit that I've messed up as a friend, family, and leader. Yet there is a deep sense of purpose for me to be here in Japan. I don't have the full answer, but I'm excited to see what happens.

I may fail at my school (I'm still bad at academics) and I may come back to the states because of it. But until that happens, instead of dreading it and skirting away from it, just be happy that God wants me. That he want to use me. That I have a purpose in this life. It's a crutch, but I'd prefer a crutch that I feel won't break under me. Otherwise there really is no other reason to keep going forward. Fortunately I've been blessed with many friends, family, and community that has helped understand myself better.