I don't know what I will be like in five years. I don't know what I will be doing in five years. I DON'T KNOW!??!?! Yet there is a sense of peace and joy about it. I don't know. I don't want to know and I haven't really made a huge plan about knowing it.
I can't explain it, but in faith, life, and hopefully love. I have just followed the flow that my life has been placed on. I don't feel God is holding my hand every second and that I don't know what I'm doing. I'm learning to react to life. To understand, to appreciate, and to grow from each experience. I wish I was more organized. I wish my room was more organized. Yet the only real organized thing is iTunes on this laptop.
This post isn't me trying not to grow up. But I'm trying to learn what being grown up looks like to me. I'm not going to try to compare myself to other people, because it hasn't worked and I doubt it will work. To which I'm ok with it. Because it frees me from myself and from others. I don't know what opportunities will present themselves, I have no idea what relationships I will build, and above all I have no idea what kind of job I'll get.
If you can't tell most of these blogs are written in that fashion. This isn't academic paper, where I have a specific idea and I weave a story that gives you direct ideas. It just thought that Kriss Kross (wanna make you jump jump... RIP Chris) from my mind. That is how I operate and I can always do it another way, but this is my mind. This is my blog and this is how I'm revealing myself to you and even to me. I've tried to be more assertive, more directive, and more disciplined. But it just doesn't work for me, I'm not saying that I've none of these. I just don't operate the same that other do. Yet, I have talents in certain areas that people can't replicate. So take it or leave it, I'm trying the best that works for me.
I've have spent that last three almost four years trying to please other people in my life. I've been trying to fit a mold that just won't work and I'm done with it. The realization that I may get really crummy test score are highly evident. Not for a lack of study, but for a lack of the mental fortitude to take test. Give me a verbal testing with pronunciation and conceptualization and I probably might be better than my class. Give me a kanji (Chinese character) test and spelling test which I'll probably get a C. I'm just not that good and I have to be ok with it. Because the school isn't my hopes and dreams. My school is part of how I'm moving forward and how I'll be able to figure what I'm doing in Japan. It is one step of many that I need to find and take to grow up more.
Because in the end, there isn't much I can bring with me from death. My memories of friends and family, the ingrained interaction I've had with people, and the ones who genuinely know are the only things I can take with me. So come what may, but as long as I go to the "Second star to the right, and straight on till morning". I think I'll be ok.
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