"Second star to the right, and straight on till morning"

This is scene resonates with me on many different levels.

I don't know what I will be like in five years. I don't know what I will be doing in five years. I DON'T KNOW!??!?! Yet there is a sense of peace and joy about it. I don't know. I don't want to know and I haven't really made a huge plan about knowing it.

I can't explain it, but in faith, life, and hopefully love. I have just followed the flow that my life has been placed on. I don't feel God is holding my hand every second and that I don't know what I'm doing. I'm learning to react to life. To understand, to appreciate, and to grow from each experience. I wish I was more organized. I wish my room was more organized. Yet the only real organized thing is iTunes on this laptop.

This post isn't me trying not to grow up. But I'm trying to learn what being grown up looks like to me. I'm not going to try to compare myself to other people, because it hasn't worked and I doubt it will work. To which I'm ok with it. Because it frees me from myself and from others. I don't know what opportunities will present themselves, I have no idea what relationships I will build, and above all I have no idea what kind of job I'll get.

If you can't tell most of these blogs are written in that fashion. This isn't academic paper, where I have a specific idea and I weave a story that gives you direct ideas. It just thought that Kriss Kross (wanna make you jump jump... RIP Chris) from my mind. That is how I operate and I can always do it another way, but this is my mind. This is my blog and this is how I'm revealing myself to you and even to me. I've tried to be more assertive, more directive, and more disciplined.  But it just doesn't work for me, I'm not saying that I've none of these. I just don't operate the same that other do. Yet, I have talents in certain areas that people can't replicate. So take it or leave it, I'm trying the best that works for me.

I've have spent that last three almost four years trying to please other people in my life. I've been trying to fit a mold that just won't work and I'm done with it. The realization that I may get really crummy test score are highly evident. Not for a lack of study, but for a lack of the mental fortitude to take test. Give me a verbal testing with pronunciation and conceptualization and I probably might be better than my class. Give me a kanji (Chinese character) test and spelling test which I'll probably get a C.  I'm just not that good and I have to be ok with it. Because the school isn't my hopes and dreams. My school is part of how I'm moving forward and how I'll be able to figure what I'm doing in Japan. It is one step of many that I need to find and take to grow up more.

Because in the end, there isn't much I can bring with me from death. My memories of friends and family, the ingrained interaction I've had with people, and the ones who genuinely know are the only things I can take with me. So come what may, but as long as I go to the "Second star to the right, and straight on till morning". I think I'll be ok.

Failure is an option and it's a good thing

Most of my youth I have always felt that I was a failure. I wasn't motivated enough to do things right, I wasn't good enough at school and test, and all I like doing is things that make me happy. This was something I've always dealt with and is something that will probably follow me for the rest of my life.

The main reason I felt like a failure was because I was comparing myself to everyone around me. Having friends, classmates, and sibling who were able to advance and do things that I couldn't do. That they achieved things in their own life that I wished I could of. To be able and capable of wanting to be better just like everyone else. Yet I was never able to achieve that. I was forever accepting my faith as a Medieval youngest brother who was destined to be a monk. Because of that I hated myself. I hated everything about me because I felt I could never achieve much. Because I constantly felt that I had failed.

But honestly, I was a failure. I failed to understand that I wasn't other people. I failed to understand that I myself am unique and have different qualities that other don't have. I failed to appreciate me. As I get older, I'm learning to appreciate who I am becoming. To refine the good and bad things in my life that I have been blessed with. These are things that not many people think about, but I'm glad I'm a failure. Because I want other people know that, it is ok to fail. It is ok to not have all the answers, to have to fit a certain stereotype, and above all be what others want you, but that you don't want for yourself.

I have always wanted to fit in, I desperately wanted to be accepted and loved. I wanted to be appreciated and to be needed. I think that is what I desire most in a relationship, to genuinely be wanted. I still struggle with that concept. There are times where I feel accepted, to be invited, to be allowed, or to exist. But to really be wanted is something that has been hard to find and those who have expressed that are eternally ingrained into my mind and heart.

For me to be wanted isn't something simple. I relate to God easily in the sense of I make friends quiet easily, but I'm not very trusting at the same time. I'll give you respect and openness, but if it is broken. You are going to feel like Sisyphus because it isn't easy getting back into grace with me. Ultimately what I desperately want is to be myself with you or with others. Part of wanting me is willing to be ok with me. To be ok with what I bring and what I'm about. That is what I desperately desire.

But that hasn't happened yet and I find myself struggling with this failure, for now. The reason the title is "Failure is an option and it's a good thing" is because God uses me. My biggest motivation is my faith. It isn't something that most people understand or grasp with me. God drives me to do many things. It challenges me to care and love people that I may not have considered. It drives me to care and keep in contact with those that wouldn't. Because God loves me, God wants me, and God uses me. It sounds weird to say that I wanted to be used by God and it can easily be used inappropriately. (That is something I had to get over, lowbrow).  I'm in Japan because he wants me here. It isn't to convert crazy amount of people, it isn't changing people's lifestyles and breaking culture, and it isn't about making people like me. What I've come to find is that I'm learning to be ok under my own skin. I want you to feel the same way. I find it through my faith and I'll share that, but I want you to find yours as well.

My failures have shaped and made into the person that I am now. Not because I'm the hulk where you make me angry, I'll get stronger. But that I've learned from my mistakes. I admit that I've messed up as a friend, family, and leader. Yet there is a deep sense of purpose for me to be here in Japan. I don't have the full answer, but I'm excited to see what happens.

I may fail at my school (I'm still bad at academics) and I may come back to the states because of it. But until that happens, instead of dreading it and skirting away from it, just be happy that God wants me. That he want to use me. That I have a purpose in this life. It's a crutch, but I'd prefer a crutch that I feel won't break under me. Otherwise there really is no other reason to keep going forward. Fortunately I've been blessed with many friends, family, and community that has helped understand myself better.

Pride... PRIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For many that know, I'm pretty good at acting "humble", but those that are closer may not see that humility as much or it shows up naturally with a side of ego/pride. Yet, deeper into my mind is a mind that is very judgmental and opinionated.

Here are some concepts that I've thought of recently or in the past. If I see a couple on the streets, I've been known to think this: "He/she seems too cute for him/her, how did that happen?" "I know the answer, but I'll let someone else answer it, because I'm nice." "Man, I could do better than that, but I'll let them learn from their mistake so then they'll learn or I can teach them." Some of these things don't sound as bad, but they are pretty bad. There is fairly obvious pride spewing out of my thoughts and then there are subtle ones that just come out, but I try to justify them as white lies or something not so big.

When it comes to me, then it gets worse. Because sometimes its self deprecating because of a lack of self worth or it's just unfiltered and it's ugly. There are more times of complaining or "I could do it better" mentality.  The worst lately is, "I know what I'm doing, you don't need to teach me". This is coming from a STUDENT who is living in a NEW country and acting like I KNOW everything. When in reality, I don't. Lately having these moments to walk with music or without interaction has helped me start looking deeper into myself and start really seeing who I am as a broken, forgiven, and in dire need of more forgiveness.

I've been reading scripture lately, trying to be a "good Christian" and just have been scanning through Paul's letter to the Philippians chapter 2 verse 12-17.

Philippians 2:12-17
Do Everything Without Grumbling

12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

14 Do everything without grumbling or arguing, 15 so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”[c] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky 16 as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. 17 But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. 18 So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

What I'm getting from this reading is this. Let the joy of God and life fill you.  Let it make you become gentle and peaceful with things. So that others will know that. It isn't saying you need to feel satisfied with everything, but really understand that God is taking care of you.  It isn't about whether you have everything you want. But what I also realize is that I have come from a warped and crooked generation and I'm not wholly free from it. I'm still stuck in the mentally of wanting to get everything I want and being satisfied in my own way.Fortunately I'm realizing how blessed I am and how much I am loved.

List of why I should be happy instead of comparing and wanting more:

1. I'm staying at my Aunt's house for free.
2. They helped me get a cellphone.
3. They helped me get a bank account and debit/atm card.
4. They feed me.
5. They give me bentos for lunch at school.
6. They helped me get a monthly train pass to save money on the train.
7. They do my laundry
8. They talk to me and try to help me with my Japanese
9. They offer me rides if I ask
10. They offer to take me to Costco if I want to buy something
11. I have my own room with air conditioning and a heater
12. I have free internet

This is the blessing of what my Aunt and her family is giving me. This isn't counting the other blessing I've received from other people. Yet, I still want more. I still want things to be done in a certain way. I still want to do things MY way.  I finally understand why I need forgiveness because there are times where enough to me really isn't enough. 

There are times I just need to breath. Let God soak his love into me, his blessings into me, his grace into my life. So that I can do likewise to others

Thoughts: having a river of thoughts

*This is pretty open and transparent. This is how I process things internally. I don't need to be fixed or helped. I am just thinking out loud. If these things really bother me, I have friends who I can talk to about this. If you want to say something, by all means you can say something. But I may be quiet about it.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot and its funny because I recently posted my favorite Bible verse (Philippians 4:4-9). But I'll say that this thinking isn't "bad" thinking, but constructed thinking.  I've been having time to think a lot since I'm not busy talking or being with people. To be honest its quiet refreshing that I don't have to talk.  I know... "You are BJ, you always talk".  That is very true, but I am also an introvert. So even though I'm not talking aloud, I'm talking a lot internally to myself.  Which is fine with me because I don't always have to talk out loud, like so.

So what have I been thinking about.  There are a couple things that have been taking up my thoughts. I'll make a short list about them.

1. Singleness - I've been fighting these thoughts a lot lately. I just really find Japanese women to be really attractive and it is hard to not want a Japanese girlfriend. But at this time, I don't think I should get one.  Not because of any other reason other than learning Japanese. Especially for the first three months. If something happens then it happens, but other than that I've been busy so. Hopefully if something happens, I'll be distracted at that point that it'll be a delightful surprise.

2. Ego and pride - These two things are something I've been struggling with for today and yesterday... I have been going to classes for TWO DAYS and I'm already fighting my own ego and pride.  For some reason I feel like my Japanese is good.  My comfort with Japan is there, but I am not that good at Japanese.  Not at the level I need to be to live or be a part of Japan.  Especially if I want a job.  But for some weird reason it bothers me that I'm not good enough. Also I've been struggling with feeling left out. When I go places with my uncle to register for city hall residence and getting my credit card.  They talk to him and don't really make much looks or conversation with me. But why would they? I DON'T SPEAK FLUENT JAPANESE! There are times I shake at myself for some weird reasons that I am.

So I just have to remind myself, breath, and remember that God is placing me here for a reason and that this isn't going to be all rainbows and sunshine.  This is reality and reality doesn't make things easy because if things were easy. I be obese, constantly playing video games, and taking people for granted.  So I gotta count my blessing and just relax.  Thank God for ofuro (Japanese bath) and hopefully I'll go to an onsen with a friend. Also walking, I've been walking roughly 3 to 4 miles a day.  So gives me time to think.

3. Church stuff - I think I've become a bit paranoid and picky when it comes to the corporate church. I have been apprehensive about joining a church and community group.  The main reason is that I just don't want to perpetuate things that are being done in Japan that aren't reaching the Japanese people. I really want to be able to help the church in Japan rather than do things that I've been told that are good.  I don't know and I want to know. I would like to feel the pulse of Japan, I would like to experience what the Japanese people experience (the good and bad), and I want to be able to hear what the Japanese people want.  But I'm scared of so many things that I don't know or things that I don't understand. I'm scared I'm going to function out of my own comfort when I want to function in a way that is genuine and open.  This song has been bothering me lately. Because how many people have I met that would feel me caring for them rather than judging and making myself feel better. I'm still stuck and I'm still trying to figure this out. *end list*

I'll leave with one more thing. Part of the reason why I want to come back to Japan was because I believe my faith started in Japan through my great grandfather, my grandfather, and passed to me from my mother. I admired my grandfather for what I can remember, but lately I've been hearing of how he wasn't perfect. These are not earth shattering things, but makes me realize to the reality of this world. That the decisions we make can affect us and others around us. Especially people closer to us who can live with these things when we leave this earth. I still love my grandfather, but I need to keep asking myself how I am loving God, myself, and other people. Not in a way that makes me look good, but makes God look good because that is how much he means to me. Without stepping on people, my own family (future), my biological family, my community family, friends, and so forth and so on. Will I create a neon cathedral (the song above) or will I make a legacy that praises and loves God the way that I do.

The 3 F's: Food, Fun, and Family

Happy New Years, 新年開けましておめでとうございます (shinen akemashite omedetougozaimasu), and ปีใหม่มีความสุข (Sawadee pii mai krab)

So yesterday was really fun and it was cool to look into life with my Aunt and her family.  I really enjoy times where I get invited into these intimate moments with people. It is always a great feeling being invited to someone's place, having a personal meal, and a huge plus is taking lots of pictures.

Because it's New Years, especially in Japan, things are a lot different here than they are in the US.  People don't start work immediately on the 2nd day of January.  They tend to take the week off and then start on the 2nd week.  There are a lot of variety TV shows on and there are a lot of family get gatherings to have a hearty meal and enjoy company for the new year.

The meal to eat is お節料理 (Osechi-ryori) which is the traditional Japanese food. It would be prepared beforehand and than eaten during the week.  This was the main food to eat for awhile. I've been eating Osechi every day that I've been here.

The very first day I arrived I went to my oldest uncle's house and had a meal with him and his entire family.  We had a lot of food and I was struggling to stay awake. Since I just arrived to Japan and didn't sleep on the plain and getting a food coma at the same time.  It was fun, but I didn't take any pictures since I was too tired to do so.

But while eating with my Aunt's family, I was able to take pictures of seeing my cousin and his family for the first time and seeing my other's cousin and his newborn son as well.  It was very enjoyable and I was able to chat a bit with them.  (Sidenote: I'm glad to say that I am able to communicate a bit and understand like 10% of what is being said to me.)

These are the moments that motivate me to press forward.  Enjoying each other's company and just soaking it in.  It's not about the hustle and bustle. There will always be time to work and do things.  But I enjoy taking the time like this and enjoying the blessing of now. 

Here is to 2014 and what it has to offer for I am very excited to see what come this year.