Do I Care Too Much?

I was messaging a friend about something that has happened recently. Asking me if I knew about some information that was released publicly and I confirmed it. Later on through the conversation he made a comment that stuck with me. "But just more concerned about you taking on other emotions like guilt for not being able to do anything and such." Today another friend made a comment to me, "We all appreciate you being a good friend but don't wear yourself out." These two comments are not bad, they are being good friends and making sure I'm in a good place. But I'm not in a good place.

A huge part of who I am is that I care for other people. Because I live under what Christ called us to do. "Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 23:37-39). The reason I care is because I want people to care for me in a similar way. There are people who I view in life and I see them loving back in their own way. I appreciate and receive it with a grateful heart. That is a major reason why I care.

But I'm hurting and what hurts is that fact that my family is hurting. Family isn't a term only being directly related by blood, but a relationship build over time of investment. People who pour their hearts, who open their arms in welcome, and receive me with my good and bad. They are able to talk to me and be able to challenge me, correct me if and when I'm wrong. I'm hurting because I can't be there for them. Because when I'm hurting, I would want people to be there for me. To just hold me and just support me. That what I want to do. I don't want them to make their situation better. I'm not their to fix their problem or make them happier. I want them to know that God loves them. I love them. It hurts that I can't.

But God has been comforting me in my pain. Working on my heart and calming to a place to trust him. A dear friend challenged me with this. "I know it's difficult some times, but strive for contentment for each day, for 'this is the day that the Lord hath made'. It always helps me to review Romans 8:35-39. Hang in there." Of all people, he is more at loss than I am. He is closer to the situation than I am. I don't feel I should be feeling this close or this hurt, but here I am. Mentally and emotionally moved to the point that I'm physically affected. Yet, God is comforting me and helping me sort through my frustrations. I had a couple other friend encourage me as the night went forward. Before I went to bed, I read Psalm 130.

Psalm 130 A song of ascents.

1 Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;
2     Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
    to my cry for mercy.

3 If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,
    Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness,
    so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

5 I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
    and in his word I put my hope.
6 I wait for the Lord
    more than watchmen wait for the morning,
    more than watchmen wait for the morning.

7 Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
    for with the Lord is unfailing love
    and with him is full redemption.
8 

He himself will redeem Israel    from all their sins.

I am putting my hope in the Lord. I am waiting for the Lord. Waiting more than watchmen wait for the morning. I'm  yearning to allow God to speak to me and he is. I mourn for the loss, I grieve over the pain of others, and I hurt because they mean so much to me. God has placed people in my life that have been there with me through rough patches in life. I want to be able to give back to those that gave to me. It's not me giving or earning anything. But being able to offer what God has given abundantly. I want to love his people because he loved me first. I genuinely want to love God first. So I want to love others. So I do care... maybe too much, but God cares more. So I trust him when he calls me to love. God gave me Jesus, what more could I ask for? He came down to earth. Suffered the way we do. Died for my sins, our sins. He seemed to care too much. I'm not God or Jesus, but I want to care as best as I can.

Hillsong United - Oceans (Where My Feet May Fail)
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior"