Thoughts: having a river of thoughts

*This is pretty open and transparent. This is how I process things internally. I don't need to be fixed or helped. I am just thinking out loud. If these things really bother me, I have friends who I can talk to about this. If you want to say something, by all means you can say something. But I may be quiet about it.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot and its funny because I recently posted my favorite Bible verse (Philippians 4:4-9). But I'll say that this thinking isn't "bad" thinking, but constructed thinking.  I've been having time to think a lot since I'm not busy talking or being with people. To be honest its quiet refreshing that I don't have to talk.  I know... "You are BJ, you always talk".  That is very true, but I am also an introvert. So even though I'm not talking aloud, I'm talking a lot internally to myself.  Which is fine with me because I don't always have to talk out loud, like so.

So what have I been thinking about.  There are a couple things that have been taking up my thoughts. I'll make a short list about them.

1. Singleness - I've been fighting these thoughts a lot lately. I just really find Japanese women to be really attractive and it is hard to not want a Japanese girlfriend. But at this time, I don't think I should get one.  Not because of any other reason other than learning Japanese. Especially for the first three months. If something happens then it happens, but other than that I've been busy so. Hopefully if something happens, I'll be distracted at that point that it'll be a delightful surprise.

2. Ego and pride - These two things are something I've been struggling with for today and yesterday... I have been going to classes for TWO DAYS and I'm already fighting my own ego and pride.  For some reason I feel like my Japanese is good.  My comfort with Japan is there, but I am not that good at Japanese.  Not at the level I need to be to live or be a part of Japan.  Especially if I want a job.  But for some weird reason it bothers me that I'm not good enough. Also I've been struggling with feeling left out. When I go places with my uncle to register for city hall residence and getting my credit card.  They talk to him and don't really make much looks or conversation with me. But why would they? I DON'T SPEAK FLUENT JAPANESE! There are times I shake at myself for some weird reasons that I am.

So I just have to remind myself, breath, and remember that God is placing me here for a reason and that this isn't going to be all rainbows and sunshine.  This is reality and reality doesn't make things easy because if things were easy. I be obese, constantly playing video games, and taking people for granted.  So I gotta count my blessing and just relax.  Thank God for ofuro (Japanese bath) and hopefully I'll go to an onsen with a friend. Also walking, I've been walking roughly 3 to 4 miles a day.  So gives me time to think.

3. Church stuff - I think I've become a bit paranoid and picky when it comes to the corporate church. I have been apprehensive about joining a church and community group.  The main reason is that I just don't want to perpetuate things that are being done in Japan that aren't reaching the Japanese people. I really want to be able to help the church in Japan rather than do things that I've been told that are good.  I don't know and I want to know. I would like to feel the pulse of Japan, I would like to experience what the Japanese people experience (the good and bad), and I want to be able to hear what the Japanese people want.  But I'm scared of so many things that I don't know or things that I don't understand. I'm scared I'm going to function out of my own comfort when I want to function in a way that is genuine and open.  This song has been bothering me lately. Because how many people have I met that would feel me caring for them rather than judging and making myself feel better. I'm still stuck and I'm still trying to figure this out. *end list*

I'll leave with one more thing. Part of the reason why I want to come back to Japan was because I believe my faith started in Japan through my great grandfather, my grandfather, and passed to me from my mother. I admired my grandfather for what I can remember, but lately I've been hearing of how he wasn't perfect. These are not earth shattering things, but makes me realize to the reality of this world. That the decisions we make can affect us and others around us. Especially people closer to us who can live with these things when we leave this earth. I still love my grandfather, but I need to keep asking myself how I am loving God, myself, and other people. Not in a way that makes me look good, but makes God look good because that is how much he means to me. Without stepping on people, my own family (future), my biological family, my community family, friends, and so forth and so on. Will I create a neon cathedral (the song above) or will I make a legacy that praises and loves God the way that I do.

The 3 F's: Food, Fun, and Family

Happy New Years, 新年開けましておめでとうございます (shinen akemashite omedetougozaimasu), and ปีใหม่มีความสุข (Sawadee pii mai krab)

So yesterday was really fun and it was cool to look into life with my Aunt and her family.  I really enjoy times where I get invited into these intimate moments with people. It is always a great feeling being invited to someone's place, having a personal meal, and a huge plus is taking lots of pictures.

Because it's New Years, especially in Japan, things are a lot different here than they are in the US.  People don't start work immediately on the 2nd day of January.  They tend to take the week off and then start on the 2nd week.  There are a lot of variety TV shows on and there are a lot of family get gatherings to have a hearty meal and enjoy company for the new year.

The meal to eat is お節料理 (Osechi-ryori) which is the traditional Japanese food. It would be prepared beforehand and than eaten during the week.  This was the main food to eat for awhile. I've been eating Osechi every day that I've been here.

The very first day I arrived I went to my oldest uncle's house and had a meal with him and his entire family.  We had a lot of food and I was struggling to stay awake. Since I just arrived to Japan and didn't sleep on the plain and getting a food coma at the same time.  It was fun, but I didn't take any pictures since I was too tired to do so.

But while eating with my Aunt's family, I was able to take pictures of seeing my cousin and his family for the first time and seeing my other's cousin and his newborn son as well.  It was very enjoyable and I was able to chat a bit with them.  (Sidenote: I'm glad to say that I am able to communicate a bit and understand like 10% of what is being said to me.)

These are the moments that motivate me to press forward.  Enjoying each other's company and just soaking it in.  It's not about the hustle and bustle. There will always be time to work and do things.  But I enjoy taking the time like this and enjoying the blessing of now. 

Here is to 2014 and what it has to offer for I am very excited to see what come this year.

You Only Got One

I only have one family that I was born into and that is the same family I will always belong to. I may always agree or feel misunderstood, but I can't change it.  We can hurt each other and misunderstand each other, but there is a deep love that isn't understandable (even to ourselves).

Family has always been a word I'm trying to understand more and more about.  My family, church family, and adoptive family (aka families I mooch off of... sorry and thank you). But my own family seems to be the hardest.  The hardest to love, understand, and to be understood. Over the years I've learned a couple things:

1. Get over your past and yourself thinking you are better than others.
2. Be comfortable with yourself.
3. Listen to what the have to say to you.
4. Be able to express yourself.
5. Learn to fight a battle worth fighting for, otherwise, let it go.

I'm starting to understand thing better, but I'm still far away from doing the list well. This list isn't something that will make my family relationships better, but it'll help me adapt to what is going on in their and my life.  In the end, I barely see my family more than 2 to 3 days or at most 2 to 3 weeks.  Either way, I want to make of the most of it. I think I'm getting better, but time will show if it is working. In the end, this is my family that I as born into.  I love them and want to be a part of their life, so I just have to learn, love, and be.

Picture take from my brother's iPhone

Where to start

I think denoting myself to a noob is fitting.  Its another way of saying "newbie".  I've seen it mostly used when I play video games, but it isn't used as often.  But since I'm moving to Japan on the 1st of January, I think it is fitting.

I would like to say that I know a lot about Japan.  But I don't know much about the Japanese people.  Which to me is the definition of Japan. A country rich in history, rich in culture, and of all things having it's fair shares of ups and downs.  There is a big calling for me to be in Japan.  My mom is from there, so there is a sense of wanting to belong.  I connect well to Japanese culture by food, music, comics, and animations (also turn into Howard Wolowitz with the ladies *end creepy part*). Also I belive my personal faith started in Japan.  I want to connect to these things while I'm there.  Getting to know people and understand the nation as a whole and as individuals.  I'm driven to wanting to understand people because it helps me to understand myself.

So this is all going to be a new experience and I think the most recent one that I struggled with was leaving so many friends and family for this new adventure.  I think I've gone through the steps of mourning a couple times and its still hits me. I will miss my small group, my close friends and family, and SYTE where I've spent so many hours and years into.  God has blessed me with these things, that it is hard leaving.  But fortunately I'm reminded why I go.  Because God saved me by loving, accepting, and believing in me.  So I want to do likewise.